Love, TEW ch 9

My heart is still very heavy for the Chapman family.  The hardest part is probably yet to come. My friend, Molly, wrote an insightful post on that reality yesterday.  Let's keep praying for them....not forgetting their pain and need for much comfort long after the "shock" passes.  

The Excellent Wife has been quite a heart challenge for me. Chapter 9, Love, continues the work of sanctification!!

Jason came home the other day and was telling me about a Tim Keller sermon he listened to on family.  One of the things he said was that when we are at the altar giving our vows, we are not declaring a present love, but promising a future love.  This chapter basically flushes out how to fulfill that promise, by God's grace!  

I have to admit, I was a little encouraged on the first page of chapter 9.

When godly love is expressed between husband and wife, they will often experience tender feelings and a 'sweetness' between the two of them. Their biblical love can draw them together in a more lasting intimate bond than all of the intensity of their early days of infatuation put together.

I was moved to tears with the joy and tenderness I feel toward my husband. I truly delight in him!!

But the encouragement was slowly sucked out of me as I kept reading! I wasn't discouraged, just sobered....again.

Peace takes us through 5 Biblical Principles to loving our husbands.

I'm going to focus on #1, Wives are to love their husbands and #2 Selfishness Hinders Love (the 2 that the Lord seemed to want me to focus on this time around!!).

Wives are to love their husbands

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have loved for one another." John 13:34-35

Peace breaks down the Greek meaning of love here for us,

The Greek noun for love here is agape... Agape love is an attitude of God twards His Son and the human race in general - it is sacrificial love, giving. ....It is a love that gives to others even if nothing is given back in return.

Peace wants to show us how much agapao love is a choice. So she gives the example of a wife who gets angry at her husband, screaming and throwing things. Then the doorbell rings, and she answers the door with kindness.

The point is that this wife could have chosen to show love to her husband as she did the person at the door whether she felt like it or not!

Can I just be honest here? I go off my feelings - a LOT. This is something we've worked together on in our marriage over the past 5 years. The Lord has been very kind to give me a very patient and loving husband. Peace challenged wives in this area several times through the chapter, and every time I was heavily burdened. I do NOT want to respond to my husband, children, or anybody else out of feelings!! I want to respond the way I'm commanded to respond, in love (1 Corinthians 13: 4-6)! I can't even begin to count the number of times Jason has said to me, "I know you are angry right now, but you do not have to be rude (1 Corinthians 13:4). You can choose to be kind and respectful even if you don't feel like being kind and respectful." Jason is basically saying, treat me the way the Lord has commanded you to treat me, not the way you want to treat me right now based on your feelings. This used to make me even angrier!! Over time, the Lord has broken down some of the pride in my heart, and when Jason says this to me, I know he is right. I'm, by grace, moved to be fight (and it IS a battle!!!) off my desires to be rude based on a feeling and CHOOSE to be kind against all of my fleshly (selfish) desires.

Peace nails it here,

Even under the most trying circumstances, you can show love to your husband because God's 'grace is sufficient for' you (2 Corinthians 12:9). God will give you (if you are a Christian) supernatural power (grace) to show love to your husband, if you obey God by thinking loving thoughts and doing loving actions. Remember, at times, you will have to go directly against your feelings.

Godly love is not primarily a feeling, it is a choice. (page 84)

Selfishness Hinders Love

Who do we naturally consider first? No doubt, we naturally consider ourselves first...from the womb! Peace nails it again here,

In our hedonistic, narcissistic culture it is revolutionary to hear someone say, 'deny yourself.' 'Put others first.' Yet, this is exactly what God tells us to do. It is a paradox. In other words, we have to do the opposite of what seems logical. Generally speaking, to have the happiness, joy, and fulfillment you desire, you must put yourself aside and place God and others first.

Peace quotes Philippians 2:3-4

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.

and, rightly so, applies it directly to our husbands

Plainly and simply put, the wife is to show love to her husband by putting her husband first. She should think, 'love does not seek its own way...' (1 Corinthians 13:5)...you are to be unselfish even if he is always selfish. Remember that you do not have to feel 'led' to be unselfish, you just have to do it.

This goes right back to the point I was making earlier on feelings. If I don't feel it, it's a battle of my flesh to choose it! But, as Peace points out, it's a choice, and we just have to do it.

Peace brings up the point that selfishness, in her experience of counseling, has often been a fruit of secular beliefs about love - romance and feelings.

Their beliefs about love were only serving to encourage the lusts of their flesh. Unfortunately, longings of this kind can never be satisified since our flesh wants more and more and more. We must all be on guard against these thoughts especially since 'in the last days difficult times will come. For men will be lovers of self...lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God' (2 Timothy 3:1-4).

Peace goes on to give us direction away from our self and towards righteousness.

It is much better to think, 'How can i show love?' (love is patient, ect.) rather than, 'How can I get love?' Perhaps you have been influenced by the world's way of thinking about love. If so, adopt the Scriptural view that love is giving and patient, kind, ect. As you change your thinking, your expectations will change.

I've read this a few times and every time I'm astounded at how influenced by the world I have been. My view of love is so often about me and my needs! Jesus didn't live a life of being loved. Why do we expect that for ourselves?

Here Peace has a discerning word for me,

Any time someone has a philosophy that is based on 'my needs' (self), they are likely to fall into the trap of being unloving, selfish, vain, or proud....we are natural lovers of ourselves. If you are struggling with being unloving and having a wrong view of love perhaps you are longing for the wrong kind of love. Hence, there is an idol in your heart.

Back to idols of the heart. I'm seeing more and more these idols that have been hiding out, eating away at the fruit on the vine.

So, what now?

Repent (1 John 1:9) and renew my mind with God's Word (Romans 12:12).

At the end of the chapter, Peace walks us through all the attributes of love, individually, and encourages us to "put them on". She challenges us to memorize 1 Cor 13:4-7 and to write down these attributes and concrete ways we can love our husbands. Her challenge for us to do this is an exhortation to work diligently and not just expect to change by reading her book. She's right, and this is something I think is necessary in the "putting on" process, though it's going to take WORK!!! I haven't done it yet (I want to!!) ..have you?

Don't forget to check out Leslie and the other girls thoughts on TEW each week too!